November 2009
1 post
I thought about wearing my uniform to the Halloween party at church this year. I can feel the many buttons as I don the uniform - on the pants, maybe five; and on the shirt, another five or six, the many pockets. I could feel tucking the pants into the boot, and lacing them to just the right tightness. I could feel the hat pulled over my hair, and the curve of the bill over my eyes. Shaded...
June 2009
1 post
I feel the separation like flesh tearing. My blood pours out in her tears, and my heart skips beats. How can one so extraordinary be so ordinary out there? The pains of her life are tears, ripped flesh and dripping tears in my own. Darling daughter, may the world comfort you more, love you more, and soothe your soul more than I’ve ever dreamed. Blessed be.
May 2009
1 post
crawl
Seems like I learned to run before I learned to crawl. I go very fast, faster than many others. But, I always seem to be trying to catch up with those same people. I am going to learn to crawl, and one day - walk.
March 2009
4 posts
I have lived my whole life as if everyone wants me in the other car.
What was I thinking?
Fort Myer is an installation bounded by Arlington National Cemetery and water (Potomac River). Standing atop Fort Myer, you are on an overlook and can see Washington DC monuments and memorials or Rosslyn. You can also gaze upon the Cemetery where today’s casualties and yesterday’s heroes rest. The warfighters of our nation. A short walk to the Pentagon, all of the Commander’s...
The aftermath of a liver transplant gone wrong.
16 months ago, my partner donated her liver to her father. The transplant went fine, but he died from complications related to pulmonary fibrosis. She asked for some thoughts, so I’m writing them now. What did I learn?
I learned to love through quiet witness rather than screaming devotion.
I learned to love through a gentle touch on the shoulder rather than cradling.
I watched my...
My life is integrating - present and past - in beautiful truths when I allow each to arrive. I’ve lived in years of shame, guilt, pity and pains of judgements belong to others and more harmful self-judgement. Reprieve came in strange places - the strongest when my partner and I worn out from arguing rested for a moment in the deep truths of who we truly are. I remember the weight and...
February 2009
2 posts
Am I qualified for the life I’m living?
Pets
I’ve always identified as a dog person until we got our first pet cat a few years ago now. It’s taken me these past few years to understand that I may now be a cat person. I guess the human rule is that you have to be one or the other.
I’ve always run up to others to please, to lap their face if they let me, to reach with my face and my paws, to at least stay close by their...
December 2008
1 post
I finally told the kids what I have needed to hear my entire life: I am enough. Just enough, no more, no less. I’m not “too much” though some may find me so, and I’m not “missing something” though some may find me so.
I believed everyone else was enough. I thought that belief was all that I needed. My wish for the world today is that everyone stops, stays...
October 2008
6 posts
I seem to listen hardest
I seem to listen hardest when I either can’t hear or can’t understand a thing.
Love abides
Yes, I know, love abides. It’s in the strings that hold us together, in the center, at the frayed ends. Yet, relationships end from miscommunication, disagreement or just plain boredom. I’m here at 40 and have never lost friends until recently, and it’s ME ending them. Am I just now joining something that people knew all along? Or is this a passage now that I’m a...
40 things about me from some friends
40 great things about Gina
1. If porch furniture is missing, there is another possibility than an actual theft occurred.
2. When the doorbell rings, there is a chance that something funny is about to happen.
3. Or that a care package is coming your way.
4. When you see her run you get to use the expression, “Shot out of a cannon!”
5. She’s good for keeping the kids...
Weekend Planning
I am famous for coming up with great ideas for entertainment and then scaling back to reality in my home. I literally have 4-5 plans by the weekend, and we conduct 1-3 at the end of the weekend. I have taken the stage and thanked the Academy of Perpetual Planning and Perplexed People in that regard.
Open Heart
Today, I’m opening my heart. I’m opening to life as life happens, with less fear and more love. I’m going to invite my being to greet the world from the inside with less concern for my outsides. I’m going to love a friend that has hurt me; I’m going to trust another friend that has not always been trustworthy; I’m going to open my heart to receive...
September 2008
8 posts
From Eat, Pray, Love
“I love you.
I will never leave you.
I will always take care of you.”
From me to me. It is all within. Right there the whole time. Whe knew?
I'm afraid to feel sad.
I’m afraid to feel sad. I have a history of depression, so ‘just sad’ scares me. Where will it go? I’m all stopped up.
To a friend on her AA anniversary
Replying to, “I’m nervous about my 11th anniversary. I’m jittery and off.”
Sometimes I allow Laura’s voice in my head, because it’s a good voice. It usually says things similar to Lucy and also to my own intuition which I sometimes call God. This is what Laura would say…
You’ve done this 10 times before. You’ve told your story; you’ve...
I envy my daughter's wheelie
I envy my daughter’s wheelie shoes. Oh, to imagine wheeling to work down the avenue.
My daughter has twin friends...some pillow talk is...
Conversation Rick overheard last night between the girls:
Carly: I wonder why Zoe is so much taller than us?
Mazzy: I know… really, Laura and Gina just aren’t that tall.
Carly: Yeah, you’re right. (Puzzlement persists.)
Detroit is the world capital
Detroit is the world capital of Ugly. Since the auto industry’s recession which began around 50 years ago, it’s been one of the city that reflects the downside of our economy.
On the way to the airport, I stopped at a fresh foods market. The scent of peaches reminded me of Summer in Detroit where I went for weeks at a time. I soaked in the poignant smells and watched the young, hip...
August 2008
19 posts
I want to leave my job, but I don’t have anywhere to go. Many would hire me, but it would be to do what I’ve done. I’m not a lather, rinse, repeat kind of girl. I want to do anew!
grandpa died
I wrote this for my brother since he will provide the eulogy at the funeral on behalf of the grandchildren. What I didn’t say:
I believe that the first decade of a person’s life is critical to the rest of their lives. I believe that demonstrating and voicing love and support from as many avenues as possible, most of all family, will yield more love and peace in a life than not doing...
I am angry right now. It’s amazing how long it has taken to admit anger into my heart. Three full days. It doesn’t matter what the anger is exactly. What matters is that I believe that if I admit the anger then it says the other person is wrong. How can that be? Feelings are never so linear. They circle, meander, drift. One thing is sure: without acknowledgement, they linger,...
Landmine Anniversary
15 years ago today, I ran over a landmine in Somalia. Skip (Spc Moore) and I were going to the “University” which was the United Nations compound to pick up mail. We had just noted it may not be safe. (Her to me, “Ma’am, they’re going to be pissed off that we’re going around the city instead of through. It won’t be safe much longer.”) We went on...
The doctor put his hands on the top, very thick folder, one of two thick folders centered on his desk. “You did all that you could.” We could not have done more to attempt a pregnancy in my body, though we were desperate to have a sibling for our daughter. Perhaps it was the desperation that made it impossible. Does desire at its height prevent that which is desired from...
It seems that the more that I try to define or describe my concept of God, the less I feel the presence in my heart. Words are so bothersome at times.
My tongue is so happy
My tongue is so happy flitting around my teeth. Dentistry is great once it is over.
Sometimes I don’t know how bad I feel until I feel better.
Learning to love
How do we learn to love one another? To spread love and goodness rather than resentment and fear? Maybe starting with the easier ones, and moving from there….
First category: strangers and family of choice. Kindness to strangers can actually be gratifiying. Family, a bit more challenging. We’re talking the family that we’ve married and brought into our homes, the ones...
Why do I check email so much? What do I fear (or hope) is going to happen? Is it really one and the same?
Later note: I wrote the below while at my parents. I think I get extra judgy and defensive there. I’m angry that my childhood was anesthesized, and I feel that most in the suburbs.
I’ve recently spent a tad bit too much time in the suburbs, on trash day to boot. Seems that they spend so much on stuff that nothing good hits the curb because it was so expensive. They hold on to...
Me: Look, Zoe, there will be ships on your side of the car.
Zoe: Mommy, there will be some on your side, too.
Me: Really? (driving, but looking to the right)
Zoe: We’re on the same side.
Sometimes, I just don’t think and don’t want to think.
That’s me in the gas-guzzling, double-long truck going through the Nation’s capitol! Just an ordinary Sunday…
It’s wierd how often I check to see if I’ve written anything here lately!
While we were on vacation, Rainbow (beta fish) got gunk in her tank. I don’t know how or why, but the water was barely see-through. The gunk was awful. I cleaned the tank and refilled it with clean water. You’re not supposed to fill the tank with new water, but rather mix it with old. But, I did. You’re probably also not supposed to drop the fish down the disposal during...
July 2008
8 posts
I drove from Wytheville VA to Baltimore MD today by myself. I listened to the IPOD on shuffle of everything. It was kind of like an AA meeting, with speakers then a song. Difference was…interrupting, and a bit disjointed in topic. It was fun!
I’ve always worried about whether or not people like me, and have sought reassurance outside of myself. Today, I realized that I simply don’t like someone. She relies on the rules of business to guide her in her exchanges. I prefer to let down the rules in order to have a true exchange.
energy
According to Deepak Chopra, there are three forces pervading all life: Creation, Maintenance, and Destruction. I plan to go through my week identifying each force as it occurs. Not to judge, but to entertain curiosity and learning.
Creation is recovery, home, my marriage, my child, my kittens, my dog, even my newt and fish. Creation is the rich friendships that I have in my life. Mostly...
coffee
I am just not thrilled that I seem to be addicted to caffeine. I know there are worse things. I drink two cups of coffee in the morning. If they’re caeffeinated, I’m good. If they are half and harl which my spouse prefers, I’m not good yet. I need another cup of joe to get going. It is expensive and annoying. Then, I find out that Starbucks extra-doses their espresso...